WOW!

Thanks everyone SO much for all the information. It really helps! It's so great to know that there are people out there who can answer just about any question I have !

Between you, P, and my friends who are leaving this week, I'm learning a lot. I haven't yet talked to P about the FRG, but plan to. It's good to know that I do potentially have the option of being involved. We haven't talked about R&R, at least not his, but we'll probably do that as the deployment gets closer.

My friend Chris, who is leaving this weekend told me that he picked November for R&R, and I was surprised that he'd want to go that early. But I'm happy I'll get to see him during it.

P and I did talk last night, and it was an incredible talk. I guess with his roommate leaving, he told P that he really needs to work on communicating with me, especially about how he feels about me. He's definitely not forthcoming with how he feels about me, but he really opened up and gave me some insight into his thoughts and feelings. It was amazing. I am so blessed to have such an amazing guy in my life.

Anyway, a reminder that I've got a mini-giveaway going....

I'm giving away two subscriptions to the magazine! It publishes six times a year, with amazing recipes. I've been a subscriber since I moved into my first apartment, but my family has been subscribing as long as I can remember. They have such awesome features, plus additional online features that are subscriber only.

So leave me a comment with your favorite meal to make (or the recipe if you want to share!) for one entry, and post about it on your blog for two!!

The contest closes at 9 PM Sunday night (Pacific time, so midnight Eastern), so hurry up and enter! :)

Deployment questions

I guess there are all kinds of things running through my mind that I don't know who ask, when or how.

I know there are meetings for the families and such... but P has never mentioned them to me, and I don't know if I should ask to go, or if he'd even want me to go. There's the FRG, but since I'm only a girlfriend, I don't know if I can be involved? Is there any sort of support system for girlfriends? Other than blogging, of course! How close to deployment do these meetings start? Do they actually give you any useful information? Or am I better off just asking you guys?

I don't know how soon we should start seriously talking about his deployment. I've made him talk about it a little bit with his roommate leaving. I just don't know how much to push for him to talk about it. I think he's a little scared of me not being there, even though I've told him I want to be and will be.

This is (I think) his biggest area of sensitivity, and we only have talked about it once, briefly. He had one serious girlfriend before me. They broke up about three years ago, but they had been together for five years before. He told me that the reason they broke up is that she felt he was choosing the army over her. His roommate told me that P is crazy about me, but that he's afraid of getting hurt again. We haven't talked about that either. My stepmom told me that I should push that issue and talk to him about it. I don't know that I want to, because I don't want to force him to talk about it. I know he's heard me refer to my ex in conversations with my mom (my ex owes my mom and I some money), and a couple conversations with friends, but he's never said anything about either of our exes. I digress... although if you have any opinions/ideas about this, I'm willing to listen to them too. :)

R&R.... I know it's supposed to be a mid-tour break, but when do they learn about their dates?

Other than the FRG... where do you get info about things going on with the unit? I don't think I've ever said what P's job is, but he's an MP, and I know the MP corps are a little different. P keeps telling me that they're sort of their own entity. And as the XO, he's leaving before pretty much everyone. It's a little weird to me.

I don't know.... His roommate leaving has these questions all floating around through my head. I'm probably wondering so much more, but I think I've gotten out all the major things I've been wondering.

I know you guys have told me that every question I have, every worry is normal. This being P's first deployment, I don't know that he knows the answers to the questions, and I don't know if I should ask him. So... if you know the answers, or have any tips, I would appreciate them!!

I've had a rough day today thinking about all of this. Especially with my friend Chris leaving Friday now. I'm gonna miss him. :(

Ugh... and a giveaway!

It's HOT in Seattle. Now, it's a typical day for all of ya'll who are down south, or in the midwest in August. It's hot like the mid-summer day it is. Muggy as all get out, and mid-90s. Not so bad if you're used to it. Or if you have AC. Or a decent fan. I, unfortunately, have none of these. I know I'll adapt back to it when I go back to either of those climates, but for now it's kind of gross.

And everyone knows what heat does to most people... makes them cranky as hell. Customers today were no exception. I went non-stop today until I finished up an hour and a half with one customer and realized it was 12:30. I'd gotten to the store at 7:30. I was starving, so I decided to skip my first 15 and just take my lunch. It's a good thing I did, because I never got another break the rest of the day. I was pretty irritated by the end of the day, but there was nothing I could do. You're not allowed to leave early if you skip your breaks... which makes sense, but UGH!

I also learned a very important lesson this weekend. ALWAYS always always ALWAYS read the dosage on prescription bottles. I had been battling a headache off and on last week, and it came back on Saturday. I remembered I still had a few of the naproxen left, so I grabbed the bottle and took it to work. Without thinking about it, I took two. I was amazed at how well it worked, and how good I felt. We went out that night with P's roommate, his girlfriend, his mom, and some of their friends to celebrate him, and mark his deployment. We took some shots, drank some beer, and when the bar closed, went to the casino. (Side note, I have a strong dislike of casinos!) We got back really late, like 4 or 5, and went to bed.

When I got up, I felt the headache, so I popped two more of the pills and went about my day. A couple hours later, I was in the living room, playing video games, and P was in the study on his computer. All the sudden, I wasn't feeling good, so I went into the study and gave him a kiss. I started to feel really dizzy and like I was going to pass out or throw up. He was talking to me, and I just walked out and went upstairs to the bathroom. On the steps, I felt like there was blackness closing in around the edges of my eyes, and I held onto the railing for dear life on the way up. I went into the bathroom and sat by the toilet, but nothing happened. So I got up and went back downstairs. I didn't tell P how I was feeling, since I figured I had a hangover and was kind of embarrassed.

A little later it happened again, and this time, I laid in P's bed for awhile. His roommate came home and poked his head into the room. He asked how I was doing, and laughing about it being a hangover. I told him I figured it was, but it felt weird. That's when I remembered the naproxen, and went to look at the bottle. I realized that it was only ONE pill every 8 hours, and to take with food. I doubled the dosage, two days in a row, on an empty stomach. No wonder I was sick and shaky the whole time. P told me from here on out, he's going to be the one giving me any and all medications to avoid this happening again. Oops.

So onto a giveaway! I've never done one before, but I have two gift subscriptions to Taste of Home magazine! Taste of Home is awesome... it's published six times a year, and comes with all kinds of fabulous recipes and ideas, from huge elaborate meals to dinners that cost only a couple dollars per plate to make. So.... to enter: Leave me a comment, telling me about your favorite thing to make. It can be a cake, a dinner, or a salad... anything delicious! That will be ONE entry. Post about my contest and you'll get a second entry! (Leave me a comment letting me know, so I don't accidentally miss out on someone's post!)

I'm keeping it kind of short, so you have until Sunday August 2nd at 9:00 PM PST (That's midnight EST, for those of you keeping track). I'll announce the two winners on either Tuesday or Wednesday and post their favorite thing to make. I'll be drawing the winners out of my trusty Brewers hat sometime Tuesday or Wednesday!

*Note the gift subscription will start with their November/December issue, I believe. I'm not sure their policy on international shipping, but if the winner is abroad, I will call Taste of Home and ask!

Deployment musings

I wish I was going to be able to go to the deployment ceremony tomorrow. I'll be at work, so I won't be able to go.

It's not P's unit, but it's the unit of my former best friend and many of my friends. It's going to be hard to see them go. For some of them, it's their second time. Some their third. But the ones I'm thinking the most about are the ones who are going over for the first time. Some are my age or older. Some are 19. Some have kids. Some don't.

I worry about them going over and coming back like some of the soldiers I know who have been over. The ones who will be reduced to tears or tremors of terror at the sound of a car backfiring, or someone pounding on the door of their room while they sleep. The ones who are so hopelessly addicted to drugs or alcohol to numb their pain. The ones who have dreams that they can't describe, but cause them to thrash around in bed and shout incoherent phrases in their sleep.

Mostly, I worry about P. He tells me that in his head, he's already been through the death of every single soldier in his unit. He knows that the chances that every single one of them returning, whole, are very slim. I can't even begin to wonder....

I don't know how much to wonder. I don't really know what to think about all these feelings.

All I know is that I have an amazing boyfriend, who is far too stressed out right now. There's nothing I can do for him except visit on the weekends, play video games, try to get him out of the house and active, and relaxed enough to forget about the work stress, if only for a few hours.

And while they're gone, and while he's gone... do all of the above for myself, and send them all packages to let them know how much I love them. And that they are missed.

I still have questions... and I hope that there will be answers, when I get things together enough to ask them. I'm still trying to figure out when to talk to P about it, but I don't want to add to his stress.

On a happier side note... he is the PICKIEST eater I've ever met! He doesn't like fruit or vegetables, loves junk food, but he doesn't really like dessert. So what do I make him for his birthday "cake" or treat? One friend suggested s'mores, which I really like the idea of. But I love to bake, too. I just don't know what to make! His gift is going to be a case of Corona (his favorite beer) and a lime. (Probably something else too, but I know he doesn't want me to make a big deal about it.) So.... any ideas? :)

Wordless Wednesday

By popular request... Tennessee photos!The pictures are out of order, but Blogger is being ever so cooperative and letting me upload, so I won't complain.

The Little River (after lunch)



Laurel Falls




The moon my last night at my dad's.

I don't know why, but the pictures are being cut off on the side. If you click on them, you can see the full image, especially the first two which are horizontal. Sorry. :(

Long weekend

Well... sort of. The same headache that got me Friday had me dizzy and nauseated on Saturday*, so I again left work. This time, I headed to P's house and relaxed there for the rest of the weekend. We really didn't do much, played some video games, played some beer pong, and just relaxed together. I actually just got home a little bit ago, since I stayed down last night too.

I wasn't planning to stay last night, but packed extra clothes in case I decided to. I was glad I did, because P had a really long, late day at work. He got home, was obviously tired and cranky, and had several hours of work to do still. Typically, my instinct would be to fuss over him, and try to help or relax him in any way I could. I realized that wasn't what he wanted, so, I just sat back and did my own thing while he worked. I played some video games, made dinner, read, and stuck my head into the study every once in awhile to refill his iced tea. When dinner was ready, I fixed his plate, and brought it to him, but he brought it back out to the kitchen to eat with me. Usually, I'd try to get him to talk about it, or tell me what was going on, but I decided to just sit back and let him tell me everything or nothing that he felt like telling me.

It was amazing to me how well he responded to it, and I think I am slowly learning his style and adapting to it, the same way he's adapting to mine. When I got there Saturday, I went to lie down because I wasn't feeling good, he came upstairs and cuddled with me. Later when I was feeling sick to my stomach, he made me a piece of toast, and was incredibly attentive.

I'm still learning to adapt to his total homebody ways; I mostly a homebody, but I enjoy going out on the weekends to do something, whether it's going shopping, going biking, or just going to the park to lie in the sun. I'm working on him getting out there more, although I understand why he likes to relax at home, especially since right now he's not doing much of it. He tells me I have too much energy for him sometimes, and I'm trying to get out and play more on my own so that he doesn't feel like he has to be my only source. :)

I've been working on the post of deployment questions, but I haven't figured out all I want to ask or say. But deployment is hitting home, as some of my close friends from last year are leaving starting on 30 July. Others will be leaving the first week of August.

It's hard, because I haven't talked to many of them in a few months, because they've been busy, I've been busy, and sometimes life just gets in the way. A mutual friend who is currently at West Point was going to be back this weekend, to have a last hurrah party with them, but he can't get a pass, so now I don't know what the plan is. I do want to see them off, but I know it's impossible with work. So I guess texts and myspace messages will have to suffice, unless I get to see them on Saturday night/Sunday.

One of my good friends is estimating a deployment date of 3 August. I love this guy to death. He and I have been close friends for almost a year now. He's 19, and such a sweetheart. We've just been through so much together. He's struggling right now, because he was engaged to get married to another mutual friend. She finally set a wedding date, which was almost a month ago. The date came and went, and no wedding. He sent me an email (since his phone is broken) saying that he doesn't think they're going to get married, and that he thinks they're actually breaking up. It's so hard to see that happen to him within weeks of deploying. He's such a sweet guy. I was always a little worried about the engagement, so there's a little bit of me that is grateful, but I still don't want to see him hurt. I hope that whatever the result is, he is happy, because he deserves to be.

P's roommate leaves sometime between 1 August and 7 August, which is a little weird. He already has plans for another guy who is returning from Iraq to move in, but looking around the house, you can't tell his roommate is leaving in a little over 2 weeks. It makes me so grateful to have the extra few months that I get with P, because I wouldn't be ready to say goodbye at this point.

Speaking of packing, I have about six weeks before I'm due to move. I have to tell my landlord sooner or later, and I'm not looking forward to it. She's a nice lady, but I just can't deal with a 30+ mile commute each day, especially when I can be living less than six miles from work with free/minimal rent. A lot of my stuff will also be going in storage, so I'm trying to clean up and clean out a lot of my junk. So far, not so good. LOL.

I did also realize something important over the weekend... I didn't start disliking my job until I stopped being scheduled to do the job I was hired to do, and started becoming a retail slave again. This is going to require some serious thought... as to what my next step may be, and how to approach my managers regarding that. I realize that the economy requires some flexibility, but at some point, I need to consider my own happiness. I just need to make it through April to keep my retirement (after 5 years, you get to keep it).

Wow this got long! I still haven't posted any pictures from Tennessee.... maybe tomorrow I'll make a Wordless Wednesday post full of pictures! Catching up on blogs now.... :)

*No, I'm not pregnant... trust me, it'd be a medical miracle if I was! LOL

I've been grumpy

Most of this week I've been somewhat cranky. I've been pretty stressed out with the whole uncertainty with work, stress about money, and my growing dissatisfaction with my apartment.

Today is the fourth day this week that I've had this headache. It seems to come and go, but Sunday and today have been the worst. It sucks.

Today, I told my supervisor fairly early about my headache-- within the first hour of an 8 hour shift. We had two other people scheduled in my department, and although we had busy moments, it wasn't all that bad. I finally got to go home after 3 PM, 2 hours before I was supposed to leave anyway. I was so frustrated and getting crankier as I waited to go home. There was no reason I needed to stay all day, so I just put my head down (not literally) and focused on non-customer related tasks as much as I could.

Guess it's time to nap!

Deployment

I'm starting to think a lot about it. It's still months away (despite last week's scare--for now anyway), but I have so many questions. Some deployment related. Some relationship related. Some feelings of wtf am I getting myself into?

I don't know how much to talk to P or when to start talking about it. This weekend didn't feel like the right time, since we were just enjoying time together or I was napping due to my killer headache. While we were biking, I asked him if he'd want me to store his bike for him, and he said he didn't know. He said he has a lot to figure out about deployment, and what he's going to do with his things.

I don't know how much I should offer/ask to be involved. I mean, it's his belongings... his life... and I don't know what thoughts are going through his head about it. When he was at JRTC, we didn't get to talk much, but most of his texts and talking were about us, doing things, taking a vacation, spending time together, and how he thought about me every night as he laid there on his cot, trying to sleep.

He told me that he gets moody and pulls back to decompress. I don't know if he's still decompressing (or recompressing?) as he goes back to work after their 4 day. What I do know is that it's impossible to talk about it over text (since he barely has responded to me), and that I want to talk about it face to face.

He seems to go through days where he wants to talk/text nonstop, and then days where he won't talk to me at all. I don't get it.

Am I just being insecure? Or is this just his post-training/pre-deployment moodiness? Or is it impossible to know if you don't know him?

All I know is that 99% of the time, I feel completely secure and blissfully happy. But there have been a couple days in the past week where I start to worry.

Hrmph. Guess I need to sleep on things for a night and see what thoughts I have tomorrow.

Wordless Wednesday

Bottom part of Laurel Falls in the Smokey Mountain National Park

I hiked up with my dad and Tina (it's a pretty easy hike, but worth the view) while in Tennessee last week.

Weird day

I've had such a weird day today. First I could barely get out of bed, and then work seemed to go quickly, but mostly well.

When I was on my way home, my landlord called (twice) to talk to me about the repairs to my shower. I told her I was on my way home and would be there soon, but she kept talking. She offered to feed my cats for me, and then said, "Oh no!" laughed, and then told me she saw something funny. She didn't say what it was, so my brain started clicking away. P had been here last night (he didn't stay), and had accidently left a pair of shorts after we went mountain biking. But nothing could come to mind that would make her react like that.

I tried not to worry about it, and when I walked in the door, I figured out what she was laughing at. Harley has this thing about peeing on my bath mat, and apparently they knocked it on the floor when they were looking at the tub. So Harley promptly peed on it. FABULOUS. (This is also the day after he ate a thing of summer sausage my grandma sent me, so he's REALLY on my good side right now!)

I went to the laundromat since I had a basketful of laundry anyway, and started a couple loads. Some random lady came in the laundromat and started asking me all kinds of random questions about the machines. She put her stuff into one of them, and kept talking to me. I was getting really weirded out by her, so I tried to be brief with her. But she kept talking. It seemed like every person who came in the laundromat talked to me today. Very strange. Usually people just kind of ignore each other and do their own thing. But the last couple times I've gone, they've been randomly chatty. This time took the cake though!

I went over to the grocery store in the meantime, and picked up a few things, including some olives to make pasta salad with. When I put the bags on the counter, the jar rolled out of the bag, off the counter and shattered all over the floor. I got it all cleaned up, but man, that sucks.

I'm excited for tomorrow, a good high school friend is in town, and I'm looking forward to seeing her again! I've also started reading a book called "I don't know what I want but I know its not this." I'm not very far just yet, but my half hour for tonight starts soon. :)

Hope you all had a much more normal day than I did! :)

Weekends should always end on a Monday...

I spent another great weekend with P, after not seeing him since i left for work on Wednesday and barely hearing from him. I was starting to kind of stress that something was wrong, or that he was mad at me. I sent him a text asking him to please tell me what was going on. He sent back a message a few hours later telling me his phone wasn't working right, and that he was just being moody and things may be changing again.

We talked about it yesterday, a couple of times. I came down Saturday night late, and he had been drinking during the UFC fight (still bitter I missed it), so he was pretty well intoxicated. I helped him clean up the kitchen after everyone left, and then we went to bed. When we got up, we decided to run a couple errands, and when we got in the car, I turned down the music and told him he needed to talk to me about his moodiness and what changes might be ahead. Apparently the changes aren't happening (which I'm grateful for, because he would have switched back into his old unit and deployed in a few weeks). He told me that's also a bit of how he is when he gets back from time away. He's ok for a couple days, and then the need to decompress kicks in.

I can't say I like that he does it that way, but its something I'm glad to know now, so I can adapt to it. We talked about a couple other things, but mostly we're learning each other and how to adjust our relationship to our individual quirks. I've been a little cranky since yesterday, mostly because of a headache, but then today I was still a bit on edge. We decided to go mountain biking, so we had to stop at my apartment to get my bike. He kept telling me how biking would help my mood.

We rode for a couple hours, and he was right. I did feel a lot better. Especially when we came back to my place and napped for a little bit after the ride. I'm getting a lot better at biking, I really only had two falls, and one of those was P's fault anyway. :) (He even admits it) I was working my way up a hill, and he'd stopped. I stopped to avoid crashing into him, but slipped anyway, and fell off the bike. I don't have any bruises to show off this time, which is a source of pride in itself. :) When we got back to my place, we cuddled up and napped for a bit.

After a long talk with P about his/my future plans, I went to Borders today and picked up a couple books to read about finding a new career. It's time to stop waffling and start figuring out where I'm going next. I'm definitely tired of a variable schedule and working weekends.

He does something that I'm going to try to work at doing. He takes at least a half hour a day for self-improvement time. It's reading a book (usually about something he wants to do, like learning to play piano), doing an extra workout, etc. We'll see how it goes. We're also going to attempt to get out and play for 3 hours at least every weekend. We got it taken care of this weekend... next weekend more biking! :)

Home again, home again, jiggity jig

...Apparently that's a line from Blade Runner. I had no idea, til I posted that in my facebook status yesterday, and someone commented on it.

I've been away far too long. I tried to blog from my phone but no dice. Lame.

I just spent the past 6 days in Tennessee visiting my dad and stepmom. It was an awesome trip, and a much needed break. We had fun hiking, visiting the largest underground lake, drinking lots of beer, playing darts, pool, Wii, and hours of cards. It was good to spend time with both of them.

The 4th was amazing, sitting out on their back porch, heads on a swivel, watching 15-20 different fireworks displays. We also talked about all kinds of things, including the fact that the dog we had when I was a kid wasn't really my mom's dog, like I'd always thought. He was mine. My birthday is right around Mother's Day, and we supposedly gave him to my mom for Mother's day. He's been gone for about five years now, and I was sad to hear that, because I wasn't around the last few years of his life. The day he was put to sleep was an awful and emotional day for me. He was my first pet, and I always pretended he was mine. Although I complained about taking care of him sometimes, I loved that dog. It was bittersweet to hear, but I'll always think of him as mine. :)

I took some awesome pictures (IMHO) of the trip, so I'll upload some later this week.

Then when it came time to leave, I got to the Knoxville airport on time and ended up getting home almost 3 hours after I was supposed to. So my 8 1/2ish hours of travel turned into almost 12, from delayed flights and closed highways on the drive home. Ugh.

The best part of getting home was walking down the steps at the airport and seeing P waiting there for me. He'd gotten home the night before from JRTC, and we planned on him picking me up. It was so great to walk off the escalator (impatiently behind the people who seemed to only want to stand there and get in my way!) and into his arms. We stood there and just kissed for several minutes, and then just held each other. When we finally stepped back, he grinned at me and said, "hey you." I got a little teary eyed (didn't tell him that, because he'd make fun of me), and said "hi." I'm sure I had the dumbest smile on my face but I didn't care. It was so perfect to be wrapped up in his arms.

We'd decided to pick up my car from my store and then head back to his house (he got permission to miss PT so that he could sleep in). It was the perfect way to sleep... wrapped up in his arms. He laughed at me at one point, because when I rolled over, I held onto his arm, so he had to keep it around me. We only got about three hours of sleep before I had to get up for work. I was so grateful to spend even a few hours with him. I wish it was like the last time, where we got three straight days to spend together, but I'll take what I can get. :)

Now I'm home, and my cats are delighted to see me. Harley keeps showing off, and it's cute. He sticks close to my side, which has resulted in him coming close to getting stepped on, bashing his head on my leg, and almost getting beaned by the fridge door. Cali's like... Oh... you're home? Ok. Feed me? Ok. But I know she's happy because she keeps rolling over to get her belly rubbed. Yes, I'm lame. :)

I'm reading blogs, but I haven't commented much yet. I'm exhausted, and debating between the hour drive to P's place and passing out before 9 PM. Sadly sleep may win, but only because I know I can head there tomorrow after work and have some well rested cuddle time. :) Hope all is well! I'm having fun catching up on blogs!