Thoughts and prayers

My thoughts are with the soldiers and their families at Ft. Hood. I'm shocked and saddened by what happened there today.

I hope that all of you are safe and will be thinking of everyone.

Keeping a smile on my face

What's hardest about this week and the next few is that we don't live together, and we don't really live near each other. We've generally spent weekends together.

I pretty much want to see him every possible minute I can, but I can't. My finances are too tight for me to be able to afford the gas to drive back and forth every day. I know P wouldn't want me to put any more strain on my (-$20) checking account, but it's hard.

I'll be going down this weekend, and I have a three day weekend the weekend after, so I'm hoping we can do something fun, like get a hotel in Seattle or go to the shore or something. I really just want to have some time alone, just the two of us. No distractions, nothing but time alone. It'll be our last weekend before he goes on block leave, and then leaves. :(

Overall, I'm pretty happy, a friend of mine has transferred from my old store to my new store. It's nice having him here. P has been making me happy, despite the not getting to see him part. I'm working on keeping my positive attitude, and it's been helping at work. I've started the job hunt in earnest, starting to look at the different areas that I might want to explore for a career. I've also started considering looking for a job closer to P's, so that if when he gets back in June, we can possibly spend more time together. Not ready to move in with him, but I have a few other friends down there, and it'd be nice to not have to travel so far when he's back.

We'll see what happens I suppose.

November

I like November.

But this month, each day is a countdown to the day he leaves.

Could be 3 December. Could be later.

I can do six months. I can do a year. Whatever the Army throws.

I will be fine. So will he. We will grow together, even apart.

I love him. He loves me.

It'll all work out in the end.

Wordless Wednesday (mostly)

P as the Headless Horseman

Our completed pumpkins (mine is the one on the left, after discovering I have a potential allergy to pumpkins...yay)

Seattle Aquarium

There are two fish in the photo below... can you find them?

Ribbit

Yeah... that's what I sound like today. I sound like I swallowed a frog.

Awesome. At least the awful sinus headache is gone.

Instead, I have a sore throat and chest, and the beginnings of a cough. P's cough is still far far worse than mine, so I can't complain too much. I stayed home from work. He didn't.

I was at P's all day, but he still isn't home from work, so I gave up about 8:30 and headed home. I wanted to spend a little time with him, but I knew that it'd be better for us both to have a night to sleep. We have a big weekend coming up with my friend in town for the weekend, so we need to get better!

He's kept his word with the WoW playing, 2 hours on Saturday (while I napped) and only a few hours yesterday while I was at work. We'll see what happens yet.

What a week!

I don't think I'm facebook friends with any of my followers, but I'm sure you've been just as confused by what happened this week as they've been. Trust me, I've been very confused.

It has been a crazy week, starting last Friday, when my iPod died on the drive down to P's. I went to turn on my iPod, and it was dead. Sad panda. I tried everything. When I got to P's, I plugged it into the wall, into the computer... nothing. This thing is a brick. I received it something like 5 years ago as a Christmas gift. I was super bummed. My friends like to give me crap about it being so old, but I love it.

When I got to his house, he was playing WoW, so I went upstairs and turned on the Wii. Have to amuse myself somehow, right? He came upstairs, went into the bathroom and locked the door. When he came out, he shut his bedroom door, and led me into the bathroom, where he'd lit candles and drawn us a bath in the jacuzzi tub. It was the perfect way to end a stressful week, and we relaxed in the tub together. It's probably the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.

Then of course, my Badgers lost on Saturday, which is always a bummer. I was super tired and a lot little cranky, and P and I were just not connecting. We went to the store, kind of frustrated at each other, and ended up having fun while picking up things to send to his deployed roommate in a care package. We also picked up pumpkins to carve.

When we started to carve the pumpkins, my right arm started stinging, and I walked over to the sink and rinsed it off, and realized that I was breaking out in hives. Apparently I may have a pumpkin allergy! The hives eventually went away, but I was itchy and not feeling well the rest of the night.

When we went to bed is when I pressed him to talk, and he told me later that he didn't know what to say,  so he said whatever came to mind.

It was about 2:30 AM (as you can tell from the time of my mobile post on Sunday) and I packed up everything and got the hell out of dodge. I was miserable, and cried my way through my shift on Sunday.

By Tuesday night, P had thought about things, and regretted what he'd said. So we talked and agreed to give things another shot.

Wednesday night, my dad, stepmom and I went to a concert with my favorite acoustic artist, Willy Porter. It was a fantastic show and I enjoyed it greatly, except for the group of 5-6 people behind me who talked through the entire show. I kept turning around and giving them dirty looks, but it was really pissing me off. At one point, two of the girls started dancing linking arms and skipping in a circle and whacked me in the back of the head. I was so annoyed.

Yesterday, I worked and then hung out with my parents in their hotel. My stepmom and I ended up butting heads a little bit, mostly over what P was trying to figure out to pack in his box for deployment. It was a weird night. I also started feeling a sore throat and a bit of a fever, so I came home.

Today, we had a better time, at the Seattle Aquarium (I will post pictures of that and P and I's finished pumpkins later). Tonight, P was supposed to meet us for dinner, but got off work late. My parents leave early tomorrow morning, so my dad was annoyed that it's getting so late, and I told them to go eat dinner without us. P's on his way up here to meet them, but we probably won't spend much time with them. We may go up the Space Needle tonight, or we may just relax together at my house. We haven't quite figured that part out yet. :)

I'm still sick, and from the sounds of P, will be getting sicker. Ugh! I hate being sick, especially when it's like this. Not totally sick enough to stay home from work, but not feeling great anyway.

Thank you everyone for your supportive comments this past week, it's been a difficult and weird one!

Didn't want to get my hopes up....

But around 9 tonight I got a text from P, asking me if we could talk. He said he didn't want to wait until Saturday, which we'd agreed on earlier today.

We talked for over an hour, and in that talk, he basically took back everything he said Saturday night, and we've decided to give it another shot... minus the WoW.

His first words to me were, "I'm addicted to WoW."

And he promised to stop playing, not totally cold turkey, but to stop.

I told him that he's a different person when he's away from the game, and that was the hardest part of it all for me. That I missed my boyfriend who wasn't addicted to WoW.

And I saw that guy tonight. And he made me happy. :)

We're not perfect and we're going to have our fights and our moments. But I have my boyfriend, the sweet, funny, charming, wonderful slightly stressed, boyfriend back. :)

We'll see how his actions follow his words, but I'm optimistic. :)

Not the whole story but I need to get it out.

I had a two hour talk with his roommate today. J thinks that WoW is
behind all of this. P's addicted to it, no doubt about it. The
P he is when we're not around his computer is completely
different from the P he is at home, at least sometimes.

I'm torn on wanting to talk to him. When it happened, I pretty much
sat there and took it. J told me I came across as submissive, and
he's right. I didn't try to talk to him, or tell him what I think and
feel. I just packed my stuff and left. Part of me wants to talk, not
necessarily to "fix" things, but to feel like my voice was heard and a
little more of it was mutual.

I do want to be with him, but I want to be with the P I fell in
love with. Not this WoW addicted distant guy. Three weeks ago, at the
MP ball, he was there. I was the most important person in his world,
and looking into his eyes, I thought I saw love there.

But he did tell me that he doesn't see his feelings (or lack of
feelings) for me changing, and that five years from now, he doesn't
see us working.

I don't know. I'm very confused, because I don't know if it's his
addiction talking or if it's genuinely him. I didn't stick around to
find out.

J also told me that he thinks that P won't stop playing WoW
until he hits rock bottom, and that might not happen until he deploys,
and can't play. There are thousands of people in this world who can
play wow and put it down. He can't. There's always one more quest, one
more thing, one more battle, whatever.

I guess maybe I don't need this. I don't know. What I do know is that
I love him for the person he can be, and I love him for the person he
brings out in me.

I just don't know anymore.

I owe you a better post

But I'm too fucking tired.

And still a bit confused.

I'm actually mostly ok. I did a lot of crying (as my puffy eyes, cheeks, and allover face will tell), but I made it through the day, able to laugh and smile.

I don't understand what happened with Preston, and I don't think I ever will. I don't know how he decided to continue whatever I thought we had when he realized he didn't have feelings for me.

But I've learned a lot.

About myself and about what I want.

And when I start feeling better, I will be back out there and dating. Maybe a military man, maybe not. I feel like I understand the military lifestyle, but it will all come down to the man, not the job.

For now, I'm exhausted and I will tell the story, along with my newly discovered allergy, and the moment of silence I held for my ipod this weekend.

For now....

None of it matters. He only sees me as a good friend. We're done. I'm a wreck. Gotta work in seven hours...Time to pull myself together. I'm done dating No more